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CW: Suicide:

Linkin Park's Chester Bennington commits suicide at age 41

Regardless of what you thought of their music, this is tragic. Another life lost to suicide... I don't know everyone else's experiences with the band, but I can't imagine my adolescence without them. There was a time in the 2000s when Linkin Park and Evanescence songs reigned supreme in AMVs, which is how I discovered both of them. As cliche as it may sound, their music *spoke to me* at a very emotional part of my life. They were the soundtrack for many nostalgic Yu Yu Hakusho AMVs (especially those made by Maze Castle back in the day) as well as many angsty nights. While my musical taste has shifted away from them in recent years, they were a formative band for me. I've spent the afternoon listening and singing along to Linkin Park songs old and new in his memory.

Maybe nobody cares about this band in fandom anymore, but I just did not expect to wake up to this news today, especially since I can relate to his mental health struggles. Somehow, I made it through all those trying years, and I hope you all do, too.
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My motivation has taken a nosedive and my sleep schedule has been all messed up ever since I finished finals' week. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to be out from under the demands of the semester, but it feels like a great driving force has been removed from my life. There's a million things that I either could do or should do, but I don't have any structure to it. I did graduate last week, so at least that's one thing I've done. I have that on Intern Maureen, and I didn't even have to lead any army or anything!

Speaking of which, I am very happy with the way that Night Vale is going. I think there might have been a dip in quality around the time the book was coming out, but events are working their way into something exciting. The format of the last episode where it's just Cecil calling a bunch of people really appeals to me to shake things up a bit. I am worried for Cecil and Carlos, though. I also desperately want to know what's going on with Chad and the evil puppy he's summoned. I am extremely proud of myself for being suspicious of the overly cute puppy in the first place. Likewise, I'm really enjoying where the new podcast, Alice Isn't Dead, is going.

Just writing these two paragraphs helped boost my mood. I'm still kind of bummed about not being able to finish my assignment for [community profile] space_swap. I'm trying not to feel too horrible about it because I have two other assignments that I need to finish. The idea I was working on just got away from me, and I wasn't sure I could do it justice in the remaining time. I have almost a thousand words written now, so I intend to turn it into something eventually.

TIFU

Jan. 28th, 2016 10:42 pm
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I was going to finish up the [community profile] snowflake_challenge in this post, but it will have to wait because I feel like crap! The morning was mostly fine, but I woke up today not wanting to get out of bed even though I probably had the proper amount of sleep. I realized during class that I had fallen behind in the reading. Fortunately, I will be able to catch up, and there were no consequences this time. After I came home, I crawled into bed and proceeded to sleep for over an hour. I reluctantly got out of bed around two o'clock in the afternoon to eat lunch even though I felt like I could sleep more and did not feel like going to class at all. When I did go to class, I was horrified to learn that we had homework due that I didn't know about, so I spent most of the class period worrying about that instead of remaining fully present for the lesson. The professor won't let me make it up, which is fair enough, but I felt stupid for screwing that up. I felt like I should be too experienced by now to make that kind of mistake. Honestly, I feel really out of step this week and a lot like I'm just going through the motions.

As soon as I got home tonight, I took the the Philosophical Crap Test again because taking dumb quizzes like that is oddly soothing to me. I thought that it would make more sense to me this time since I'm taking a second philosophy class right now. It does a little bit. It may be a bit old-fashioned to post results to these kinds of quizzes, but I'm linking to my results for posterity's sake.

I wish this week was over already, but I have to get up in the morning to go to a presentation about studying abroad. I already RSVPed, so I don't think it would be right to bail. I just hope that tomorrow will be a little better than today at least.
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Well, I've been bad about posting again... Blame it on stress and depression. It's not that I haven't been productive at all in the last month, but I've withdrawn into a sad little ball of gloom quite a lot. This means I haven't made much progress with my life. I've barely talked with anyone, and I worry that I've let my friends down by withdrawing. Even though my life has improved by leaps and bounds over the last few years, it still needs a lot of work to get it where I want it to be.

Details about my crummy mental health at the moment )

On a happier note, I have been re-watching the eighth season of Doctor Who with audio description this time. :D I was able to enjoy the season well enough without it, but the descriptions make it much easier to get all the little jokes and bits of action. I've re-watched only the first two episodes, but I have the rest waiting for me. I'm enjoying it a lot more than I did the first time around. I'm so glad that I have discoveed the joys of audio description because it makes my TV watching life much easier.

***

Okay, so... I wandered away from this entry for a couple of days. XD Things are indeed looking up. I've now watched up to episode five of season eight of Doctor Who. Currently, I'm in the middle of episode six. I'd like to get back to that soon, but I've been all over the place in the last few days. Turns out my concerns about letting my friend down were not true. She's just as lost as I am or maybe more. The fear of intimacy still stands, though.

In addition to the re-watch of season eight of new Who, I just started watching the classic series as well. 8D That's a whole new world of fun to look forward to. I stayed up late last night researching the classic series and looking for clips. This morning, I watched all four episodes of "The Aztecs" story and enjoyed myself very much. Of course, it did not have any audio description on Netflix, but I can look into that more later. I enjoyed it, nonetheless. It's fun to be diving in to something so iconic and classic.
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I'm laying here caught between the gentle sound of wind outside and a Glee rerun...

Anyway, I have been hiding away from the world for the last few days. I skipped Spanish again. In the meantime, playing through the original Pokemon game has been a wonderful distraction. I'm almost ready to battle Lt. Surge, so that's pretty cool. I'm glad that not everything has to change. Too bad my old strategy of ignoring my real life when I get stressed is as strong a tendency as ever.

It feels good and productive to be typing this, but my brain feels sluggish. I've been thinking a lot about just what I want to do with this journal. It would certainly help if I tried to write fanfic more. I feel so dead and out-of-touch fandom-wise. :(

I don't think that I've mentioned it yet, but the Percy Jackson series and its sequel The Heroes of Olympus have taken over one little fangirlish corner of my brain. It reminds me a lot of the kind of anime I used to watch and love as a kid. In particular, it gives me a Digimon vibe. That makes sense the way that the characters are presented and the fact that they're constantly fighting monsters. Plus, they both have important events at summer camp. Now that I think of it, some of the mythology overlaps as well. Digimon drew heavily from world mythology, and it was my first introduction to some Greek myths such as Arachne and the chimera. Along with the Chronicles of Narnia, it was one of my earliest introductions to Greek and Roman mythology.

Of course, all this gushing over young adult fiction has made me feel bad that I haven't been more academically-minded in my reading. I *could* and should read the actual Greek texts that these works were based on. Yet, there is a big part of me that wants to keep up with what's young, hip, and fannish. So sue me.

Actually, I've been doing a lot of thinking about why I am drawn to young adult novels now. For one thing, I didn't have nearly as much access to books when I was a teen. Sometimes, I think that I may be emotionally stunted, too. That's not to say that everyone who reads YA is emotionally stunted, but given how lackluster my adolescent years were, it wouldn't be a surprise. Maybe it's theraputic to focus on an idealized version of what might have been. For the most part, I don't find myself drawn to "realistic" high school stories. I like the ones which have some level of fantasy even if its as silly and problematic as something like Twilight.

What else have I done today? Nothing except reading fanfic. I read a handful of Welcome to Night Vale fics and a lone Twilight fic. Recs are on my FF.Net account and AO3.

I can't think of what else to say--it feels like my thoughts have dried up for the time being--but at least I'm writing!
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Daylights Savings Time has effectively kicked my butt, and the heat has melted away what little strength I had left. This week was probably the worst that I have had this year, but don't quote me on that. In spite of not finishing the majority of the book, I did better on my quiz for Sorrows of Young Werther than I have done on most of the quizzes where I have actually read the entire book. Way to reward my laziness, God/the universe. Everything else this week was various levels of frenzy and confusion. I had to skip Spanish yesterday because I was too stressed and tired at the time, so I hope that won't cause any problems in the long-run. Tonight, I couldn't sleep and felt the need to cry a little bit. Altogether, my mental health has been on shaky ground. If I do in fact have social anxiety disorder, it has been acting up this week. It seems to get worse when I am tired and stressed. Plus, I have been out and about much more than usual this week. That's not a great combination.

So, of course, I have to wake up at a reasonable hour this morning for a family thing. :( I would much rather spend the day locked away in my bedroom. At any rate, I am very relieved that spring break is next week. I need it to relax and catch up on my studies.
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It has been dangerously close to a year since I updated this journal. As such, there are a few things that I should mention right away...

I dropped that Shakespeare class last fall. D: It just wasn't my cup of tea. I love Shakespeare, but the class didn't do it for me. Like I said, I wasn't too thrilled with the focus on comedies at the beginning. Plus, the workload prved too much for me because I was dealing with some major depression that semester.

Other than that, every other class went fine. There were bumps along the way, but they didn't hold me back in the end. The instructor for the critical thinking class has become one of my favorites. In fact, I am taking another of her classes this fall. I think she's wonderful, and as far as I can tell, the feeling is entirely mutual. :3

Since I had something akin to a depression-fueled breakdown that semester, I decided to take only two classes the following spring. I took the second half of English literature with the critical thinking instructor (Dr. P) and mythology to make up for that dropped Shakespeare class. Both were great, and I did some of my best writing in that semester. I don't think that I took as much advantage of the mythology class as I could have, though. However, I *did* win two writing contests.

In other 2013 news, I fell for my freshman composition professor. <333 I may have mentioned that before, but my feelings exploded in the fall. I always thought that he was attractive and charming, but I found out for sure that he was single in the fall. ;3 Not sure what I'm going to do about this. There's the tricky student/teacher relationship to consider. Plus, he's nineteen years older than I am. Since I'm weird, both of those things are turn-ons in their own special ways. I don't know his feelings for me... this whole situation has made me feel like a giddy school girl. I want to make a move, but I'm scared~ He's so awesome! He likes Doctor Who and sci-fi, made us write about slasher and zombie films, assigned The Time Machine as reading, enjoys mythology, and used to teach The Hobbit in his class. This sounds like my ideal guy.

I was going to dive into what I've been up to this summer, but I think I'll leave it here for now. As always, it was good writing!

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